Thoughts on turning 25 // Musings

I recently turned 25 and the thought of being mid-twenties excites and scares me at the same time.

All us twenty something year olds have come a long way from 16 and I've never felt more confident yet less confident about myself and the future than I have right now. It's a weird place to be. I feel confidence in certain things, such as my appearance, my sense of style, that I'm surrounding myself with the right people, that I can walk away from a person or situation that proves to be nothing but toxic. I feel (hope) that I've finally mastered the art of small talk and introducing myself to people at events and confident that I'm able to question things, the status quo and think for myself; among many other things. However, I still struggle with confidence in terms of my career, relationships and my own talents and abilities in general. I still second guess myself with relentless questions of what am I doing, am I doing this ok, am I right to think this or to question that at work? Am I steering my life in the right direction and will I ever be able to keep a plant alive for more than two weeks?

I've always been mindful of time and the fact that it's a rare commodity. While it's good to realise this, it often sent me in a state of panic - that I hadn't done much, or anything at all, of what I wanted to do, whatever that was. I felt that everything had to have been done yesterday and while people said 'you'll figure it out eventually' I often thought 'what if I figured it out now, wouldn't that be so much better??' I was reassured by my friends and good old buzzfeed articles that I wasn't alone in experiencing the dreaded quarter life crisis. But sometimes, strength in numbers doesn't offer much comfort - that magnifying glass on your life is a little too focused on what you should be doing that there isn't room to see what you have done.

The thing about time though, is that it will pass regardless of whether it's spent planning or panicking. Often panic can cause you to stop, not sure what direction to go in, afraid of making a decision out of fear of it being the wrong one. So for my 25th year I'll choose to plan and to actively chase life, instead of letting things just happen with no real input. I'll put myself out there more, start writing more, traveling more (or as much as my bank balance will allow), taking care of myself and those around me more and keep on learning. I'll also learn to let go more. Make no mistake though - I'm under no illusion that life will go as planned 100% of the time because, as much as I'd like to, I can't control what's going to happen. So when things don't go exactly as planned, I'll learn to roll with it, adjust my plans and see what happens.

Every decade is a struggle. I remember struggling through my school years, trying to build a sense of identity and understanding of the world around me. And then you move through it and come out the other end with a closed chapter and an eagerness to start the next. Mistakes are made time and time again but lessons are learnt to keep you pushing forward, and that's all we an hope for from every birthday we are blessed with.

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I MOVED TO LONDON

Yes. I.  Moved. To. London! Let me just repeat that one more time... I have moved, my self, to London. I now get annoyed at slow walkers and seriously worried that there's a higher risk of developing asthma because of all the pollution... But how does it feel to be in the capital?? Expensive. Bloody expensive. And tiring - My move happened so fast and it's taken me longer than expected to sort everything out. Let's start from the very beginning, I guess that's a good place to start.

So I was previously working in a call centre in customer service for the first part of 2015, hating speaking to angry customers and day dreaming about holidays to foreign lands - you know, the usual. Then I started to get quite ill and my work place wasn't the most helpful which added strain to an already stressful situation. Long story short, it got to September and I spent some time in hospital. During my stay I got a call from work confirming what I had been fearing - that they would 'ask me to leave' my job role as I'd exceeded their sick day limit. Feeling like a failure I literally had no idea what to do. The day after that happened, however, I got an email from the HR department at an organisation I'd previously applied for a job at but completely forgot amidst the stress of work. I was confused, excited and worried all at the same time. Actually, I seem to walk through life in a perpetual state of confusion, excitement and worry so nothing new I suppose! Three weeks later I'd left hospital, attended the interview, got the job (!!) and moved down to London.

I was exhausted.
But, nevertheless, it was great.
Right?

Except that finding a place to live in London is like finding a needle in a haystack. Despite there being houses everywhere, there are still more people than places. And when you do find a place, there's the risk that you could end up living with the worst person. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?? I was lucky enough to find a place before starting work. But unlucky enough that the place I found was probably the worst place I've ever lived. The actual flat was lovely, but the lady I was living with just was not. She lied/twisted the truth about a few (important) things and made me feel totally unwelcome. After one too many panic attacks, I knew that I had to leave. So I did after just one month. I left but didn't actually have any where planned to go - talk about a stupid decision but it seemed to work out for the better. I stayed with my cousin/family friend, the commute to work was about 2 hours and cost me a fortune but I felt instantly happier and safer. So I continued my hunt for a place to live through Sparerooms, going to 2 or 3 house viewings everyday after work and trying to convince complete strangers that I should live with them. I'm not sure what's worse - house viewings or job interviews?? Three months and an empty bank account later, I found a place and so far no crazy flat mates. Thank. The. Lord.

Things could have been better, but they could have also been much worse so I hold on to that to make me feel better about the past couple of months. Besides, 2016 is here, I'm in a job that I'm actually enjoying and learning from everyday, my health seems to be somewhat under control and I'm living in and exploring London as much as I can, that is, until the ridiculous prices forces me back to Nottingham.

When have you made a big move?

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Things I know to be true // Musings

So there's a lot of things that I remain oblivious to and will probably never understand. But, there still remains a whole world of knowledge I've come to gather over the years. Like the fact that female Elephants are pregnant for 22 months, or the fact that coconut oil is great at fading scar marks or that the light from the stars are billions of years old. 

I know that, with a single look, two people can fall in love but spend the rest of their lives with different people. And that when it comes to heartache, you can smother it in double chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and hours of phone calls to your best friends but there will sometimes be unsuspecting days where your memories are too vivid and your thoughts are focused on what could have been.

I know that sometimes you have to swallow your pride and say sorry. I know that you have to know when it's time to walk away from a bad situation and that flowers and plants really do bring a room to life. I know that yoga is not as easy as it looks but totally great at building strength and flexibility. With most things, consistency is key. Life is a roller coaster we have no control over and all we can do is learn to enjoy the ups and work through the downs.  

I know that sorting out your tax is a nightmare and that Spring is for making holiday plans with loved ones. You'll have days where you get a free coffee because your barista was feeling nice that day, or days where you stumble across old photos and call up friends to laugh about that ridiculous haircut you once had. There'll be days of adventure with your siblings and days where all you do is laugh. 

I know that there will be days of defeat, where you will feel disheartened and disappointed in what you've yet to achieve. I know that you'll push yourself and be hard on yourself and compare yourself when really, all you need to do is pause, breathe, rest, reevaluate, and move on. But, most importantly, I also know that there will be days of victory, days where things just click and everything is slowly fitting in to place.  I know that you'll learn valuable lessons, one of the biggest being learning to grow in to the person you are meant to be.

What things do you know to be true?

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Life is the greatest teacher

I was going to wait until after my exams before posting this but I just gotta get it out now. 

I'm in my second year of Uniiii-verrrr-sityyyy!!! I'll be finished in two weeks and before I know it I'll be starting third and final year. How friggin' scary?? All you people going through uni will know what I'm on about! But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about what I've learnt. Second year has been very different to First year. First year was fun. Fun fun fun, as Rebecca Black would say. If I had to sum it up in three words:

- Freshers

-Parties

- Only 40%

And then second year comes along. Different. It has been different. I didn't realise it at the time but my gosh I have learnt a thing or two about life. Life, you know?

- People change. Some for the better. Some, unfortunately, for the worst.

- Friendships can be transient.

- People really are not what they first seem. Even your 'friends'.

-Despite that, you will find good friends in the places you never thought you would.

- People are not as strong as they make out to be.

- Do not, I repeat DO NOT, rush into things if it doesn't feel right.

- Say what you think and stand your ground (I'm still working on this one!)

- Everything happens according to God's plan, not yours.

I'm a pretty laid back person and I tend to see the good in people. Even when everyone else sees the 'real' them, I'm the one to stand there and say 'ahh, come on guys, you're being too harsh.' They weren't. They were right. But life is a great teacher. Never again will I trust someone so easily. Never again will I allow myself to be 'used', 'walked on', whatever. Even if it is to avoid drama. You have to know yourself and if a friendship just seems 'tiring' then it really isn't a friendship (in the truest sense of the word) after all.


Saying that, treat everyone with respect. You really can find friends in the places you thought you wouldn't. You may think you're all set with your friends but what about that girl, or that guy you say 'hi' to everyday but don't really know. 

Everybody struggles in life. I struggle. You struggle. The guy on TV struggles. I guess what we don't realise is that we could be standing next to someone, or even be friends with someone who may be completely broken on the inside. But we just wouldn't know. And vice-versa. Although sad, I think it's amazing. It shows that we have history, a past, that we are real, not just living and passing through life. Don't you hate it when you're getting to know someone new and you realise that all they have to them is what they show to the world. That there is nothing else there, that they are a bit one dimensional? I can't stand that. It may be that you just don't connect but you can always tell when meeting someone that they have something special about them, they have character.

Say what you think and stand your ground. If you're like me this will be hard. My thoughts seem to get stuck halfway through my brain and my mouth. I get flustered, I don't know what it is I'm exactly trying to say. Conversations happen so fast, everybody's in a hurry. In a rush. People don't have time to listen if you're not quick enough. But that isn't an excuse really. I need to learn to get my words out.


And finally, you could plan to be the next big thing while God plans for you to work the average 9-5. Who do you think is choosing, really? God has his plans, we just gotta follow them. And they happen, whether we like them or not I guess.


I feel like I'm growing up, finally. Growing up is hard but man, life is the best teacher. Someone could tell you all you need to know about life and love and everything in between but until you experience it, you wont fully understand. 

'Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards'  Albert Einstein