There's no place like home

It wasn't until I turned 25 last December that I fully understood the meaning of the phrase 'there's no place like home'. After moving to London and feeling lost in a sea of people and noise for 3-4 months, I finally got online, booked my train tickets and went back to Nottingham. I discovered that it is true what they say - there really is no place like home.

Growing up, my mum would always say this phrase to me over and over, with a longing in her eyes to one day return to her own home; Nigeria.  Many years later, I now fully understand what she meant. She was referring to the fact that there's nothing like the familiarity of your childhood bed, or the noise the stairs make when you creep down them in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. She was pointing out the fact that everything remains the same, even though so much (of you) has changed and will continue to do so. There is no place where you'd rather be to hide from a storm or dance well into the night. It's the first place you think of calling when you hear news - good or bad.

What I had yet to understand was that 'home' is the place where your heart feels easy. Where it knows that it belongs and can stay as long as it needs. It's a place of feeling, of comfort and solace - where no words have to be exchanged or explanations given. It's a place of indescribable contentment. The kind that offers comfort and a sense of safety that no place you've seen has been able to offer you so far.

Home is the memories with your siblings. It's remembering the childhood games you played in the long summer days. It's the resenting 'I'm sorry' after the argument to end all arguments. It's the embarrassing moments only you share together. It's being safe in the knowledge that wherever you may travel, there's a connection that started long before your existence that you can always find your way back to.

It's the distinct smell of your mothers cooking - the spices and fried plantain that can be smelt from halfway down the street. It's the surprise 'I'm making Moi Moi' your mum calls out as you enter the house. It's the deafening silence in the middle of the night and the rush of movement in the morning. It's the feeling of restlessness - of wanting to move on to the next adventure. But not yet, maybe next week, month or year.

It's a place that, despite my best efforts, is difficult to describe. What does it mean to be home? It means comfort, safety, familiarity, and memories you thought you'd long forgotten. It's a building, a city, and, more importantly, it's a person, or group of people, that truly define the word home.

What is your definition of home?

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Saying No // Musings

'One day, I'll find the right words, and they will be simple' 

 Jack Kerouac

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Scrolling through twitter on the bus, trying to ignore how packed it was and how close some guys armpit was to my face as he clung to a railing to avoid falling over, something was retweeted on to my time line that caught my attention. I should have taken a screenshot of it but the gist of the tweet was:

'Learn to say no. Without explaining yourself after. No. Just no. Because no.'

And, let me tell you guys, this is so hard to do.  I always think that the word 'no' needs to be followed by an explanation as to why. And in some situations this may be the case. But sometimes, if you don't feel like doing something, a suitable explanation as to why might be hard to come by and that is ok. 'Not right now' and 'no thank you' are perfectly fine as complete sentences and can be used in a number of situations - at work, with friends, with a guy.

At work

Not wanting to get involved with something or if you are too busy to even think about taking on any extra work are probably the biggest reasons that you would want to decline work. I know that at work this might seem pretty hard to do, especially if you are new to the company or you are at a trainee position, declining work does not paint a great first impression. But if there comes a time where extra work would prove to be a detriment to your health, causing stress and exhaustion, then saying 'no' becomes a necessity you can't escape. Valuing your time and understanding your priorities are important and a courteous 'not right now' or offering a solution/different contribution is a great way to do this without offending.

With friends & family

Spending time with friends and family is great. Obviously. Making memories, telling stories and just laughing till it hurts are things every single person has the opportunity to enjoy. But sometimes, you need some 'me time', you know?? Saying no to a meet up date but offering an alternative date is a great way to balance it out. And besides, sometimes you don't even have to explain your 'no' - that's the great thing about friendships, they are understanding and empathetic if you're just having 'one of those days'.

With a guy

Ever been approached by a guy and the words 'no, sorry, I have a boyfriend' naturally fall out of your mouth? Yep, same. Regardless of whether or not you do have a boyfriend, this sentence is pretty standard in avoiding followup attention. It pretty much translates to 'I would love to give you my number, but because I have a boyfriend and I'm not the cheating type, I am forced to decline your offer. Gutted.' Which is wrong in all kinds of ways but the bottom line - 'No' is sufficient and 'no' is a complete sentence.  Buuuut obviously we don't live in a perfect world and you get the guys who are annoyingly persistent, even when they can see that you are uncomfortable and unwilling to engage in conversation. But with getting into the habit of putting weight behind a 'no' and not following it up with a reason, after a while, the guys gotta accept reality, right?? Or you could just do The Face and hope it will scare him away.

I think that saying 'Yes' and saying 'No' to things are two important lessons to learn - you don't want to cut things off without ever seeing what opportunities may come your way, but at the same time, you don't want to exhaust yourself by bending over backwards to accommodate for everything people ask of you or every opportunity that comes up.  After all, life is all about a happy balance.

Do you guys have any advice to offer on saying 'no'?

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Tales of a wanderer // Musings

'Today, find a point of stillness:

Brief, but precious. 

Slight, but full. 

Small, but luminously real...'

- Na'ama Yehuda

I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned this about 542987 times before but the University of Nottingham has such a beautiful campus and it shares its grounds with Highfields Park which is quite possibly my favourite place in Nottingham (apart from my house of course, because, you know, food and my bed. Oh and my family I guess).  It's nothing spectacular but it's the place I like to go when things get a bit blearuurrrghhmehhharghh (oh yes, that familiar feeling) as it's always really peaceful or, as my friend likes to say, 'tranquil'. 

So I go, wander around for a bit, find a nice bench with a lovely view, sit and just people/squirrel watch before heading home.  Sitting on a park bench and doing nothing or wandering aimlessly around the grounds may seem like a complete waste of time, I mean, time is the biggest commodity we have, so why waste it right??  As the one thing we strive to use efficiently and constantly crave as we get older, time is the most important thing there is. As the saying goes, time is money and however we spend it builds up who we are as a person. But among the deadlines, exam revision, house chores, life errands, work schedules, social dates, family commitments etc etc etc, sometimes you need a moment, some space and some time to just be still. Some people like meditation, others choose yoga while for some a run on the treadmill works best. For me, it's a moment on a park bench. It's a place of sanctuary and peace, a place to be still while the world keeps going and a place to think with no distractions, no messages, no stress... no worries. 

I think everyone needs their own place of stillness - a place of quiet among the raging noise of the world - so I challenge you guys, if you don't have one, to find one. A place and time where your phone goes off and you just listen to the sounds around you, to your own breathing, to your own thoughts... completely aware of your being in that present moment.  I sound like I'm a new found Yogi telling you to 'search for your inner eye' but I can promise you this - learning to take a moment to be still is priceless and one of the greatest lessons I've learnt.  It's one of those things where you start doing it you think to yourself 'why the hell have I not thought about doing this before??!!' 

What do you like to do to find a moment of peace?

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Thoughts on loneliness // Musings

'Negative emotions like loneliness, envy and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; They're big flashing signs that something needs to change' 

 Gretchen Rubin 

I recently read an article about loneliness and how it's becoming a great concern for young people, and shouldn't be seen as something that is exclusive to the elderly anymore. Feeling isolated is often seen as a trait of growing older but now this 'epidemic of loneliness' sees that our 20's are riddled with late nights, lonely days, FOMO, stress, anxiety and maybe even depression. While I definitely don't have these feelings now, I have felt a sense of loneliness in the past during a certain period of time at university and the effect that loneliness, or a certain type of isolation, has on your mental health is striking.  And even then I shouldn't really call my experience loneliness because all I had to do was Skype a friend, arrange a lunch date, a shopping trip, a walk in the park anything simply as a way to force myself out of the house.  Sometimes that's all it takes - the effort to spend quality time in the presence of a friend or family member and more often than not this can be enough to banish the dull feeling of isolation and remind you that you have people, you are not alone.

But what happens if that isn't enough? What if you get to the point where you find that you have no real friendships, just mere acquaintances, no close family members, just mere relatives?  Don't get me wrong, I think knowing how to enjoy your own company and how to spend time alone is an invaluable thing to learn and is often needed in a world of constant communication. Being surrounded with the wrong people in order to fill an empty void is just as bad on your mental health as feeling lonely in the first place. But being lonely for a prolonged period of time in a town, city, school, place of work or, even, the entire world, can seriously affect you mentally, physically and emotionally. And by being lonely I don't mean being single, I mean no close friends, no close family, no close...anyone.  Maybe I'm over-thinking this but it's something I seriously worry about happening to me. I feel so incredibly grateful and lucky to be surrounded by loving, caring and happy friends and family that it's hard to imagine somebody not having the same.  And sure, it is easy to blame things like social media because being connected in the digital world is no substitution for face to face communication, no matter how real it may be. But I think our 20's are filled with great change, growth and maturity which causes you, the people around you and your circumstances to change drastically, sometimes multiple times. Concentrating on education, work, romantic relationships or even starting your own family of course takes up our time and energy and if everyone of your friends are doing the same, it may feel like you're on your journey alone.

Some say loneliness is part of the human condition but, ultimately, we are social creatures - we crave community, intimacy and a sense of belonging. Maybe you had this in the past and don't have it any more, maybe you are still searching for your own community or maybe you have a great close group of people in your life right now.  I'm happy that I can say that I have my own group and individuals who I know I can count on but wherever you are on your journey, if there is one thing I do know, it is that any feelings of loneliness need to be met by action - small steps to finding those that feel like family and more often than not, you won't have to look that far because great people can be found in great places.

What are your experiences with loneliness?

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Sunday Diary // Afternoon musings

Image taken from my Instagram. Follow me @thatgirlsaadiya

It seems that life has played a massive trick on us all.Well, not life but society. I think life is pretty much simple but we choose to over-complicate it way too much. We're always promised things. Things that we may or may not need.  Things that we want but may never get.  I think I've gotten to the point where I realise that all these promises are just empty and meaningless. Because even though we are all living together, this is your life and only you can give yourself the things you dream of.  At Uni, you're promised the best years of your life, and a job at the end of it. When, or should I say if, you get that job you're promised exciting and new opportunities. This can be applied to even the simplest of things like buying a new car - we're promised the ride of our lives, make-up - we're promised full and flawless coverage, a restaurant - we're promised the our best meal yet. Maybe I'm being a bit over the top and reading into things too much today but can people just stop with this please? Promising things that are not able to be fully delivered because the bad parts or the struggles are always missed out, brushed over and forgotten about. And when you open up a magazine and are promised that if you buy their certain product 'you-will-look-like-this-size-0-model' and it doesn't add up to reality, the only person you will think to blame is yourself... and there is something wrong with that. We all just need to be a bit more real with ourselves and each other and stop filling the minds of young people with 'information' that they need to be a certain way or have certain things to be great. Because if people don't have the beautiful body, amazing house, great car, charismatic personality or whatever else, then we don't blame society for leading us to chase these things to feel a sense of self-worth... We will turn to the mirror and blame the person staring back at us for not being...enough. And that is a big problem.

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